Living in alignment
Whilst narrative coaching and my own practice is broad spectrum and applicable to all aspects of life, over the last few years I have noticed that many of the things I am grappling with and discovering about myself in relation to others, seem to be reflected in the personal journeys of my clients. The more we notice these synchronicities, the more we notice we are in alignment and flow. So it feels appropriate to have a page dedicated to this aspect of my work.
There are family, cultural, religious and gender specific narratives that we all grow up learning, believing, and rehearsing - with various degrees of success. Often, the way we view ourselves in relationships and in our sexual lives, is more of a reflection of some of these stories, and may not be aligned with what we really believe or who we have become as adults. Sometimes problems we are having in our relationships are reflections of these stuck narratives. Equally, new ways of being in relationship and in sex are not explored, as the stories stopping us speak more loudly than the playful adventurous self that has been suppressed.
In my own adult life I have tried to move beyond the limiting narrative of white weddings leading to happy-ever-afters, and have embraced a more nuanced approach, allowing for personal growth, change in my needs through time, and an acceptance that one size does not fit all – people or selves. I have explored non-monogamy, alternative relationship structures, and sexual experimentation. I understand ways in which people explore their sexuality, including having multiple partners, working within the sex industry, and exploring what is deemed the non-mainstream. My own therapeutic journey did not always afford me the opportunity to work with professionals who, whilst being accepting, had done any of these things themselves, so often I was one confusing step ahead of my therapist.
THE LOVERS
“We can speculate infinitely on the relationship of the three figures: a boy presenting his fiancée to his mother; a woman discovering her husband with his mistress; a man attempting to choose between two different women, or, as the traditional interpretation views it, between vice and virtue….
The interpretations are inexhaustible. All of them lead us to the conclusion that The Lover is a relational card that depicts the beginning of social life.”
Jodorowsky and Costa - The Way of Tarot (2004)
INNER AND OUTER RELATIONSHIPS
Who we are attracted to in terms of gender and orientation is only half the story. Sometimes our relationship with ourselves as a sexual being is the untold tale. We all embody masculine and feminine, and playing with these parts of ourselves, unravelling held narratives about ‘who’ and ‘how’ can free our minds and bodies.
NUDA VERITAS
“Not Venus but Nini, Klimt’s Nuda Verita detached herself from the traditional idealization of female nudity in art, challenging the audience by her audacious yet mystic gaze in which indifference and hostility mingle. Holding a mirror toward viewers, she requests us to reflect on the text engraved at the top of the painting, by German poet Schiller: ‘If you cannot please everyone with your actions and your art, you should satisfy a few. To please many is dangerous.’ I interpret the citation of this epigram as not only Klimt’s response to all polemics against him but also his proverb for all women of the modern age to reject being caged by societal constraints and embrace their real identity.”
Essie.L An Empowering Tale of Femme Fatales: Gustav Klimt’s Female Eroticism
In my coaching practice I'm not just open to, but encourage clients to explore these aspects of their relationships and their sexual lives. The terminology around alternative relationship structures and BDSM, for example, can be confusing and means different things to different people. It doesn’t matter what we call it. Here are some of the things that I invite you to share in your stories during the coaching process:
Relationships
Ethical non-monogamy and opening up your relationship
Perhaps you are contentedly single but want to find meaningful sexual connections and partners.
Sharing stories around family and cultural taboos and how these may be impacting your current behaviour
Exploring your personal and cultural stories around gender and sexual behaviour
Perhaps your primary relationship is developing and moving in directions that neither you nor your partner are prepared for.
Navigating polyamory and having multiple partners
Sex
Exploring other parts of yourself as a sexual being, such power exchange and BDSM
Perhaps you have a kink or fantasy you would like to play out and need support
What is the therapeutic function of sexual fantasy in your stories?
Is there a connection between kink and adverse childhood experiences that could be therapeutic?
Exploring how to accept and integrate adverse experiences rather than ignoring or ‘getting past’ them.
Being part of the sex work industry
Exploring how your sexual behaviour and interests have changed as you age.