Temperance
Some of my clients at the moment are grappling with the issue of how to avoid slipping into co-dependency in their relationship, whilst maintaining a grounded sense of self. I’m grappling wth this too.
In tarot, the second of the major arcana is the ‘High Priestess’ in the Rider Waite and the ‘Popess’ in Tarot de Marseille. Some research links the character in this card to Pope Joan, who legend says, disguised herself as a man and reigned as Pope for two years, only being discovered when she gave birth. Apparently, this is legend only. However, the symbolism in both the Marseille and Rider Waite decks points to concealment, boundaries, being aloof and keeping one’s own counsel. Setting boundaries has never been my strong suit, so I use this card as a meditation focus and a reminder to keep my emotions of out of it, and to remain fully clothed, cloaked and guarded at times when it's needed.
TRADITIONAL MEANING
Wisdom combining intellect and intuition. A spiritual mother. Modesty. Conservative approach to sex and body. A woman hiding her strengths in a world of men. Need to hide our true nature behind the conventions of normal society. Emotional blockage. Secrets, something hidden. Mystery, spirituality.
‘Know how to set boundaries’
Ben Doav, The Open Reading
However, how do we wear the cloak of the cautious female pope, and also allow our boundary to be breached when we want to build relationships with others? How can we be less cautious and circumspect, risk our hearts, and not be burnt? My own therapist reminds me often that we will all ‘break up’ through leaving or death. And yet we still want to open up to our partners, to live fully, and to be nourished by a sense of belonging and intimacy.
In the journey of the major arcana we come to the Lovers. In this card the young man in the middle appears to be being pulled two ways. Traditionally, the woman on the left is his mother, the one on the right, his lover. At this stage in our ‘everyperson’ journey, we have decisions to make about what to leave behind and what to begin, so that we can move forward. In an open reading, the two figures could represent many more dichotomies that we face; such as past and present, old and new, self and other, the inner and outer worlds. Symbolically, whether to stay in on a Saturday night, cosy in our pyjamas, or dress up and go out on the town. In our journey into being in relation with another, the Lovers card represents stepping up and deciding to choose one thing over another. However, the young man in the card to me also looks a bit torn, confused, and Cupid, above, has his arrow directed straight at his heart. Will love destroy him?
TRADITIONAL MEANING
Love, romantic or emotional entanglement. Complex relationship between several people, e.g. a romantic triangle or tension between mother and wife. Need to choose between intellect and passions, or between past influences and future perspectives. Choice that has far-reaching consequences.
‘Follow the path of the heart’
Ben Doav, The Open Reading
The third card that we could use in this narrative is Temperance. If we look at Temperance side by side with the Lovers, we notice that there is again a figure in the middle, but this time instead of being torn between two people she is balanced between two vases of water that she is pouring one into the other. This card is all about distillation. The woman in the card is finding the essence of things, co-mingling. In narrative coaching, I often ask clients to apply what they see in the cards, or indeed in their own metaphors, to the situation they've been exploring in the session. If we did that with this card, perhaps we can see a way to keep ourselves both separate, and connected, to others, through this sense of finding the essence of what we create between us. When we couple with another we create something bigger than ourselves. However, it does not mean we have to completely lose ourselves. Temperance does not just mix the waters together in one pot, but keeps the two separate, pouring them each to each, gradually distilling them into something more.
TRADITIONAL MEANING
Integration of opposites. Reconciliation, compromise, relaxation of tensions. Ability to do the seeminly impossible e.g. to resolve a desperate conflict. A slow process of distillation and improvement. Patience, perserverance. Inner flow and harmony, holistic medicine or mind-body healing. Working on self-improvement.
‘Find the golden mean’
Ben Doav, The Open Reading
Recently I've been using the tool of a Venn diagram with clients working through some of these issues. If we place the two circles of the Venn diagram over each other, what is ours, and what is shared? There are many ways to use this tool and it's very flexible. For example, a client who is opening up her marriage is exploring the different things that she would like to do with her husband, but maybe also alone. Where do her sexual desires overlap with his, and where are they unique to her and could be explored with other partners? Somebody else is about to move in with her partner. What do they enjoy doing together, what do they believe about the way people should co-habit, and what do they need to keep in the private journal of their heart?
I invite you to use this tool creatively - lay it over different aspects of your shared lives. Where can you distill some magic, and where should you pull your cloak around you and wisely keep your own counsel?